All my life I have been an average person.
In middle school, when popularity was the most important thing; I wasn't the most popular by a long shot; Sure I had friends, but the most popular. No way.
In college, when beauty seemed to be the theme of the years; I wasn't even close to being that either. Sure I had my days when people would tell me I was looking nice and was well dressed, but those were those on-off days. It wasn't the norm, and people still never could force themselves to say that I was "beautiful". Even jokingly. The best I got was cute. I hated that word. I did get popular though. And yes, I did get good marks to bring myself to attention (that wasn't the plan but heck!).
However; that was the time I got this feeling of being an ambitious person. How? I will never know. It wasn't just external factors like friends and family. It was something within. I felt like I could do things that other people could dream off. It wasn't entirely true of course.
When in the university, you needed all the things all good girls should have; Starting with beauty; if not beauty at least a plan to get things done. You needed to be dumb (or at least pretend to be one; remember you are getting close to the marriage age) and by this time you should have been domesticated. You know; know all the things you need to be a good wife. Again, I was neither of these things. I still am not.
But I did get to do most of the things I wanted to do in life.
I got myself class A education. I got selected into a fortune 50 company. I fell in love. I loved till it bled the shit out of me. I work and live independently. I have a mind of my own; which I am not ashamed of (incidentally). I have read at least 5 thousand books. I write. I sing, I dance. I play with kids. I have a good set of friends. And I have a wonderful family which loves me anyway I am.
I still am not happy. I am not sad either .I just probably am restless.
Is it because I am born "sad" or is it cause I am beginning to see the futility of life?
I struggled against the people who wanted me to be mediocre. I struggled against people who wanted to stifle my views and way of working. Truth is I might be sick of fighting. But I dont see any other way out.
And this takes me back to a time when a well meaning friend said "You have got into the habit of fighting and arguing about everything in life". She dint really mean it I guess. But 4 years hence. I am still thinking.
Its not like I don't try. I do. I want to give up sometimes to life and let it take its own course. But not one single decision like this has made me any happier. I am still as upset. So if I am going to be upset like this anyway, why Cant I do it MY way?
Life is such a roller coaster. Nothing beats you as much as life does. It sucks and then is beautiful. You have your ups and downs. I am not saying that that's not right. However, I do think about the end result of it all.
What does one get at the end? Don't give me adjectives like satisfaction, and that "everything can be described".
Don't get me wrong, I agree life is a journey. But every journey should have a destination. Wat's mine? Wat's yours?
PS: If I sound like I am restless; it is probably because I am. Or it is probably cause I have a stomach full of noodles which I am not able to digest without feeling guilty. Such is life. Takes away the best of things from you and expects you to be happy about it. Why should I be? Don't expect me to be waving a white flag at the end of it all.
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3 comments:
Human beings have this syndrome... have seen it everywhere...
We have this eternal necessity to be tragedy kings and queens. What is the fun if we say life is good, i'm happy, nothing's missing? What's the fun in that? It just doesn't make us feel imp enough. have gone through this, seen ppl go thru this. It's an on-off phase. The best part is that such moods alone inspire brilliant pieces of prose or poetry which i think is a beautiful result of a tragic mind. So you see, even in being unhappy, you are being useful.
"When in the university, you needed all the things all good girls should have;" Who defines what women should have?
I think in univ, both guys and girls have not much clue of what they want in life. They are still maturing, testing the waters, etc
A mature man would not be insecure enough to expect his wife to be domesticated ( beautiful but dumb, subservient, etc ). Though if domesticated meant being a good housekeeper, a good cook, good with children etc, I dont think that need be faulted. And they are desirable qualities in men as well.
I think a marriageable man is someone who can be sensitive without feeling threatened about his masculinity. And someone who is not threatened by the intellectual capability of his better half. Infact, to run a happy household, a women ought to be intelligent. I think mature men do expect intelligence, but expect it in a nurturing kind of way.
I do agree that a lot of men seem to expect a "Stepford wife". But I hope there are better ones out there.
And yeah, I agree with you that there is an inherent feeling of discontentment in man. But discontentment fuels progress, so its a good thing. Perhaps one must learn to balance between ones discontentment and happiness for what one already has.
And good luck with getting what you seek for:)
@Shilpa: I see your point. I think thats true. Sometimes, these feelings or incidents inspire you for something else. Am hoping one of these things will satisfy me some day...
Yes, have been targedy queen most of my life... Its like I dont want to be happy sometimes, or when I am, my mind forces me to think back and look at the failures atelast once more... I dont do it on purpose. But the good part is, it inspires me sometimes to do better.
@Yuvani: Thanks for following my blog so much :) Makes me happy...
I agree with your statements about how the man should be. However, I might have been unfortunate in this case, but have not met many men like this. Its not just about Men, women have their faults too.
No one ever defines what you should be, but don't tell me you never felt that inherent unspoken diktat of life. It might have come from friends, relationships, parents. Atleast I did. Might not have all been good.
I need that bit of luck you mentioned :) Desperately. I am scared that this kind of restlessness is not going to prove all that great for me.!
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